Thursday, February 06, 2003

2048 words



Having a pretty great day today. It looks like my latest battle with depression has been won. I'm writing again. I got hit in the face with an amazing fantasy idea about a week ago. I wrote about 2000 words last night which is my daily goal to get this idea out of my head and down on paper. I finished outlining the entire book at lunch today and am going to play with juggling around scenes sometime today. It's pretty exciting overall. I haven't been this enthusiastic about writing in a very long time.

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Sort of a weird day today. I find myself curiously numb most of the time lately. I watch the world around me, I watch people talk, how they move, how they react, but I don't really feel like I'm a part of what goes on around me. I appear quiet and aquiescent to most people because I'm not really participating in this show. I'm just saying what they want to hear so they'll leave me alone so I can continue watching.

But, sometimes, being the true observer of human nature that I am, I shed my disguise of invisibility and will do something or say something to shake things up. Just to see how people react. Like the time I shoplifted when I was 14. I had ten dollars in my pocket. I tried to steal a 7 dollar pair of shoes. I wasn't really scared when I got caught. The cop that called my parents told them I was 'unrepentant'. Probably because I didn't cry or beg him not to call my parents. I just sat back and watched. When my father went ballistic, I didn't really notice. I just watched.

I wonder if this is how I was meant to live my life. The constant observer. It's a very comfortable position to be in. I mean, I feel things, but they never seem to cut deep. With everything that's happened to me, I should probably be in a mental ward, but instead, I still have this part of me that's completely untouched by everything. I have my issues to be sure and maybe this detachment is one of them. But, the truth is, the only times I ever really feel anything anymore is when I listen to music or write. And that scares the hell out of me.

I'm trying to get better. To work my way out of the audience and on to the stage. Anyhow, here is my song of the day. This one hits a nerve for so many reasons..

Elsewhere by Sarah MacLachlan

I love the time and between
The calm inside me
In this space where I can breathe
I believe there is a distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of reaching out and reaching in.
Holding out and holding in

I believe this is heaven to no one else but me.
And I'll defend it long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?

I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
But I'm drunk in my desire
I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out to hold me near

I believe this is heaven to no one else but me.
And I'll defend it long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand?

Oh, the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
Of the mold that clings like desperation
Mother, can't you see I've got to live my life the way that's right for me.
Might not be right for you, but it's right for me.



Monday, November 11, 2002

More song posting because, well, this might just be one of the keys to unlocking the Crista-puzzle. Sometimes, I feel like I'm two people. One is the People Pleaser Crista who's terrified of displeasing anyone and who buries her feelings and pretty much feels like shit 90 percent of the time. The other is a more confident Crista, almost to the point of arrogance. She doesn't give a fuck who she hurts and doesn't let people step on her.

This dichotomy terrifies me at times. But, more and more, I see myself less and less as the little girl trying to make everyone happy and more and more this person who's losing those fears and becoming something else entirely. So many people seem to be frightened by this new incarnation. Jeff in particular. But... I kinda like it.

Sunday, November 10, 2002

Been awhile yet again since I posted. To be honest, it's been hard to post anything here. So many things happening in my life, so many disappointments built up to a point that I feel like I'm trying to break down a cast iron wall with a ball pin hammer. I've avoided so many subjects in this blog. Not really sure if I'm embarassed over them or if revealing them hurts too much. Am I whining? Yeah. I am.

Where to start? I think everything came to a head tonight over a song. See, on July 3rd, my mother skipped town. Completely left without a word. No one knows where she is. We now know why she did it, but that why doesn't really give any answers. My mother has a problem. I now understand why she fucked me and my sister up so much. She's pretty fucked herself. She'd been taking money from her boss for her compulsive gambling. Somewhere in the sum of 50, 000 dollars. It's hard to find the words to express how I feel. But this song did it for me. Here are some lyrics.

"Blast Off" by Danielle Spencer (very talented lady. Her CDs are a little difficult to come by, but her sound is a combination of Jewel and Old Tori Amos.)

I've been thinking about you lately.
Are you well as the years go by?
I guess I didn't really listen too well.
I'm kicking myself because I closed my eyes.

Five... four... three... (outta here)... two.. (stand clear) blast off.
Good-bye. Who flies?
Now if only you had wings.
My loss (I tried) You're gone. (She's high)
And finally on top of things.
And I would like to know
All of the reasons why
You flew out on a breeze.
Not so much as a good-bye.

Not one of those magic moments.
But I still try to understand.
You never did find the best solutions.
Did you think you were Superman?

Five... four... three... (outta here)... two.. (stand clear) blast off.
Good-bye. Who flies?
Now if only you had wings.
My loss (I tried) You're gone. (She's high)
And finally on top of things.
And I would like to know
All of the reasons why
You flew out on a breeze.
Not so much as a good-bye.

Are you holding a grudge, cause I am.
Till you tell me what it's all about.
I can hear you in the night sometimes.
Singing devil woman just to freak me out.

I wanna know what happened next.
After you fly with the wind on your face.
Were there any regrets?
Tell me what did you find?
I just wish I had known you were counting down.

Five... four... three... (outta here)... two.. (stand clear) blast off.
Good-bye. Who flies?
Now if only you had wings.
My loss (I tried) You're gone. (She's high)
And finally on top of things.
And I would like to know
All of the reasons why
You flew out on a breeze.
Not so much as a good-bye.


That sort of sums everything up. At least in regards to Mom. I doubt she reads this. Hell, I doubt anyone reads this at all. But, if by some miracle she does, I'd just like to tell her this.

Mom, I love you. I could never hate you no matter what you did. I hope you're safe and happy some how. I miss you.

Saturday, October 26, 2002

A Good Writing Day



I know that's it's been a while since I posted, but I started a new job and I had to adjust from a night schedule to a day schedule. But, I'm back and writing again. I started a new book which is really exciting. I really want to finish this one nad, so far, it looks like I just might. The working title is Dragon's Dream and it's flowing so smoothly. I'll post a snippet tomorrow or so and give you a taste of what the story is about.

Saturday, September 14, 2002

Here is the latest test of the day....
































Which Classic Book Are You?
Book: Daphne Du Maurier's Rebecca.
Synopsis: Rebecca is a novel of mystery and passion, a dark psychological tale of secrets and betrayal, dead loves and an estate called Manderley that is as much a presence as the humans who inhabit it: 'when the leaves rustle, they sound very much like the stealthy movement of a woman in evening dress, and when they shiver suddenly and fall, and scatter away along the ground, they might be the pitter, patter of a woman's hurrying footsteps, and the mark in the gravel the imprint of a high-heeled satin shoe.' Manderley is filled with memories of the elegant and flamboyant Rebecca, the first Mrs. DeWinter; with the obsessive love of her housekeeper, Mrs. Danvers, who observes the young, timid second Mrs. DeWinter with sullen hostility; and with the oppressive silences of a secretive husband, Maxim. Rebecca may be physically dead, but she is a force to contend with, and the housekeeper's evil matches that of her former mistress as a purveyor of the emotional horror thrust on the innocent Mrs. DeWinter. The tension builds as the new Mrs. DeWinter slowly grows and asserts herself, surviving the wicked deceptions of Mrs. Danvers and the silent deceits of her husband, to emerge triumphant in the midst of a surprise ending that leaves the reader with a sense of haunting justice.
Excerpt: Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again. It seemed to me I stood by the iron gate to the drive, and for a while I could not enter for the way was barred to me. There was a padlock and a chain upon the gate. I called in my dream to the lodgekeeper, and had no answer, and peering closer through the rusted spokes of the gate I saw that the lodge was uninhabited.
Amazon: Rebecca
Which Classic Book Are You?

Yep. Been a while yet again. Hopefully, now that I actually have a schedule that I have to stick to, these updates will be more regular.

As for the changes, well, I got a new job. Instead of a cashier, I'm now a file clerk at a rather prominent insurance company in the area. It's a decent job. Good pay. The people there are great. Unfortunately, I'm starting to realize that I really wasn't meant for the cookie-cutter lifestyle that I see a lot of people living. I'm already chafing at the 'day job' structure of my life. I don't want to wake up at 7 am every day. I don't want to work at this company and retire in 35+ years with nothing but my pension and maybe a house and a car to show for all my years of work.

I really long to live my life by own terms. To write all day if I want. To live in my fantasy worlds and not be chained to a desk all day. How is that going to happen? I WANT to be a full time writer. How do I do this? Well, actually writing steadily would be a good start. I'm going to start at 1000 words a day and see how long I can keep up with that. I have a few projects that I'm playing with, so I have plenty to work with. I WILL do this. I will not live my life chained to a desk.

Wednesday, July 24, 2002

Yeah, it's been a long time. Life sort of exploded on me and blogging fell by the wayside as I tried to sort everything out. In the past month or so, I've learned more about myself than I have ever before, even in college. Life is still errupting in little explosions around me, but these aren't things that I want to share with the world right now. Eventually. perhaps, but right now... I don't even know if I have the words to describe it.

In happier news, I'm keeping up with my auditing work for the BN course and coming up with a novel premise that feels really strong. I can wait to get to writing it, but I'm holding myself back and keeping pace with the course. I have another novel idea bouncing around that I've considered writing on the side, but it's on hold for now. I submitted a proposal for the Wizards of the Coast contest and if I advance into the next round, I'll have more work than I'll be able to keep up with, even without writing a novel on the side from my other responsibilities. Fortunately, my vacation from work is the third week of August.

Jeff has found a new project, which is resurrecting an old FFRP (Free Form Role Play) channel that he sort of lost two years ago. I'm glad he has something to do, but, at the same time, I'm sort of jealous of all the friends he talks to on IRC. And I shouldn't be, especially considering what I put him through last month regarding my own activities on IRC. I find it ironic that I have such a broad streak of hypocracy running through me. This considering that I try my best NOT to be a hypocrite.

Anyhow, this is all for now. Hopefully, I'll be bale to keep uo with the blog more in the future.